Choosing Adult

As I move further into the depths of my personal shadow, it has become apparent that I require greater freedom of expression to explore the themes and subject matter that will allow me to convey my thoughts and feelings.  For this reason I have now designated my blog as an adult blog.

When I began pushing my blogs further, I knew that at some point I might reach this edge.  My goal isn't  to intentionally pursue adult themes for all my pieces. However, if I require the elements of adult themes, I want the freedom to be there.  I've skated that edge with many of my pieces, but now I have chosen to cross over to the other side.

I will be dealing with themes of violence, sex, aggression, hate, personal darkness, and all the other bits we cut away from ourselves and call "not me".  My goal is exploration and integration and sometimes on such journeys, there are images, thoughts, and feelings that challenge and confound.

If I offend anyone to the point that they no longer read my blog, I am sorry for the loss of communication, but not the offense.  Sometimes we need to be shaken to embrace new thoughts and ideas and growth.  I figure those who are interested or intrigued will come and sit by the fire with me and tell me a good scary story that I haven't heard before. Together in that shared firelight we can unburden our darknesses and make them a bit more bearable.

{Digital images manipulated in Photoshop}

The Fear

And finally after 3 months of back breaking Rage, from stage left comes the source of all my drama.  Raw skinned and trembling, paralyzed and wide-eyed, My fear takes focus.

I find that I can't be angry now.  There is no resentment and my rage fades like a retreating storm.  I feel sadness for this impoverished part of myself, this portion of me with skin so thin that even the movement of air is like knives.

When I was finished with this piece I found no righteous vindication but instead a strange compassion.  I had thought the resolution of the quest to find the source of my Anger would find a villain to be defeated, but instead I find a victim.  Already defeated, and in that defeat a circling whirlwind of misplaced energy.  A leprous pariah to be given succor, relief, and healing.

{Digital images manipulated in Photoshop}

It Lives in Flames

This makes me think of the giant pig at the end of Clive Barker's Pig Blood Blues.  Or perhaps the pig version of the Red Bull from The Last Unicorn.  There is a bit more than pig in there though - maybe some horse.  Perhaps we're just seeing pig from multiple points in time.  Schrodinger's Pig?  Regardless, I don't want to be trapped in any kind of enclosed space with it.  eep.  I'm afraid there would be some hard feelings for all that bacon I ate.

I apologize for all the comedy with such a fierce image, it's just that the clouds have parted here and I'm seeing the first sunlight I have in days and it is making me a little giddy.  :-P  I usually hate super sunny days, but we have had nothing but cloud cover for over a week.  :-(  So - Hooray Sunlight!

{Digital images manipulated in Photoshop}

General Marrow, Lord of Bones

Within the dream of the abattoir,
beneath hair and toenail and skin,
he digs beneath our fat and past the organs.
His business is with the bone core.

He is the lightning knight of epiphany,
the unyielding harbinger of revelation,
the barrier breaker of the adamant secret,
and the herald of truth too long denied.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

You know...as big as he is, sometimes Cthulhu just sneaks up on you. I really had no intention of doing a Cthulhu piece, but there he was, and when Cthulhu shows up, you can't really say, "Well, I don't have time right now."  LOL.  You have to at least see what it is he wants.  I mean hey, It's friggin Cthulhu!

I am a little disappointed in the color.  It seems to have a dropped a bit in intensity from Photoshop to here.  I may need to adjust my monitor.  It was very late at night when I created this piece and my eyes were getting to that liquid rolling down my face point.  I may have to revisit this one in the daylight hours with a good nights rest under my belt.  I'm not sure that is allowed with this kind of piece.  :-P

{Digital images manipulated in Photoshop}

Return of the Lord of the Forest

My Ducks

Well, I fought against it, denied it, and avoided it, but none of these has worked.  I will be spending this month moving to a new residence in a new town.

My financial situation has bottomed out and I am no longer able to keep the place I am in now.  This may disrupt my posting here for a bit, but hopefully I will be back on track within a month or so.  We'll see.

I'm kind of making it up as I go along, which is my least favorite place to be.  I'm a Capricorn.  I like all my ducks in a sequential row, color coded, numbered, with cards giving me a personal history of each duck.  My ducks have all  turned into cats with wings and are chasing the pretty butterflies.  Flap, Flap, Flap!  Sigh.

The Kingdom of the Blind

Darkness within and Darkness without. 

From the Darkness they come. 

They are of the darkness

and the holy land of Darkness. 

The House that Fear Built

Anger.  Wrath.  Rage.  I've been trying to create an image that exactly matches my feeling, but halfway through every piece, it changes.  It never stays anger.  In this case, I realize that the anger was built on a foundation of fear and dread.

I think this might be a message to myself.  The Rune Sowelu is mirrored in the piece as indication of damage from a negative solar experience.  Now that the light of the true sun is arriving the fear of that past damage is rising like a ghost pain, inspiring me to retreat from love and light.

In actuality, the true sun would heal the pain, but the previous negative encounter was so great as to cause a powerful panic driven fear of this type of encounter.  So the fear went to ground...underground.  From its seed has grown anger, rage, denial, and despair.

My Anger and Rage are defense mechanisms attempting to protect the part of me that was damaged in the previous incident.  Being only damage control, they were never meant to last and have begun to break down as the expenditure of energy required to maintain them is becoming greater than the energy needed to heal.  The current set of experiences in my life have pushed me further and further out of every comfort zone I have.  All my defense mechanisms are eroding and collapsing out of the necessity of energy conservation. All my issues are springing forth anew.  All my dead are returning to life.

{Digital images manipulated in Photoshop}

The Burning

This is me trying to sort out my fiery emotions.  Kind of hard when they gang up.  My original intent was to find a release for my emotional intensity.  I was creating this piece at the time the London riots were beginning, but I had no idea they were occurring until 3 days later. 

I'm having a lot of trouble figuring this one out.  I was actually intensely angry when I was working on this piece.  Now it is almost like looking at a firepit after it has been put out.  You remember the warmth and the smoke and maybe you burned your finger or something, but now there is just a black spot and some ashes and the acrid smell that something burned here.

{Digital images manipulated in Photoshop}

The Heat

Bit of an homage here to another of my favorite artists, Bill Sienkiewicz.  His and Chris Claremont's run on New Mutants is one of my all time favorites.  It was during my formative years as a comic book collector and to say Sienkiewicz's style had an influence on my own would be a vast understatement.

This is either sfter the fire or pre fire.  Maybe both.  It looks as though there has been a fire already, like smouldering embers, but also it seems like a blaze could ignite soon.  My original thought for this was a devilish type character, but as I continued to work on the piece it became something more.  Originally is was just a portrait, but now he is wearing some kind of elaborate head piece.  I think perhaps he may be royalty in some dark dimension.  Or it could simply be that this summer's heat has finally fried my brain completely and I can't see past it.  The heat is all there is.

{Created in Adobe Illustrator and Adobe Photoshop}

EGO

Ah, the pride of ego. It can get us into many a tight spot. There may be more than ego involved here, but my first thought when I was finished was EGO. My original idea headed into it was Rage, but in the middle of that explosive flame, I found this little blue faced guy. A cool center to the radius of flame and destruction.

If I could have fire instead of hair I would. As long as I could turn it off and be invulnerable to its affects. LOL.  I'm sure I would have to buy shirts and hats more often, but you have to admit, it would look cool.  :-)  No such luck there.  Burned my finger yesterday with hot glue gun.  Now I have an ugly alien looking blister on my thumb.  Hooray...and ouch.

{Digital Images manipulated in Photoshop}

The Arch Duke Grahtennas

Grahtennas is the daemon of negative expansion. He governs all inflammatory diseases including cancer, eczema, hemorrhoids, genital warts, and cirrhosis of the liver. Hemorrhoids being one of his favorites: as they often become a gateway for a variety of expansive discontents. Alcoholics often fall under the sway of Grahtennas, becoming the berserker foot soldiers of his army with their quick and arbitrary tempers. Grahtennas governs all disorders of the Liver.

Grahtennas is the governor of making matters worse. He governs all explosive forms of violence from domestic to riot and his presence causes lost tempers, violently fatal misunderstandings, car accidents, and miscarriages. Murphy’s law is merely one of the entrances to his realm. Grahtennas enjoys the slow death of an inflammatory disease equally with death from explosive violence. He particularly relishes religious dogma and intolerance and the power brought to him by such areas of the world as the Middle Eastern countries and the southern United States.

His symbol of office is a huge rusty spiked mace covered in fresh blood, his favorite offering, especially if taken by bludgeoning. Grahtennas is very serious about himself and his goals and laughter is forbidden in his kingdom. Those guilty of this crime are crushed into bloody smears at the foot of his throne. However there is a story of a shaman once banishing him with incessant laughter. He is often found on his throne, drunk from a chaliceful of fresh blood, his immense girth overflowing the edges of his seat.

His vast kingdom ranges from the Plains of Rage, The Rancid Caverns, The Seas of Distemper. His realm is riddled with perpetual volcanoes, explosive rivers of lava, and constant heat lightning storms. However it is characterized by a specific lack of any rain. He continuously patrols his regions in his mobile Castle, a burning Siege. He paints its walls red with the fresh blood of violent religious fanatics, suicide bombers, and murderers.  Grahtennas is ambitious and militant, constantly seeking new ways to expand his region.

He has a violent disdain for pure water. If confronted with pure water he will seek immediately to corrupt it in some fashion. Thus he has become the patron daemon saint of industrial waste, Oil Companies, and muddied emotional scenarios.

Arch Nemesis' : Pan, Jupiter, Posedion, Any Laughing God, Natural water. The Ocean.

{Created in Adobe Illustrator and Adobe Photoshop}