Thursday, September 01, 2011

The House that Fear Built

Anger.  Wrath.  Rage.  I've been trying to create an image that exactly matches my feeling, but halfway through every piece, it changes.  It never stays anger.  In this case, I realize that the anger was built on a foundation of fear and dread.

I think this might be a message to myself.  The Rune Sowelu is mirrored in the piece as indication of damage from a negative solar experience.  Now that the light of the true sun is arriving the fear of that past damage is rising like a ghost pain, inspiring me to retreat from love and light.

In actuality, the true sun would heal the pain, but the previous negative encounter was so great as to cause a powerful panic driven fear of this type of encounter.  So the fear went to ground...underground.  From its seed has grown anger, rage, denial, and despair.

My Anger and Rage are defense mechanisms attempting to protect the part of me that was damaged in the previous incident.  Being only damage control, they were never meant to last and have begun to break down as the expenditure of energy required to maintain them is becoming greater than the energy needed to heal.  The current set of experiences in my life have pushed me further and further out of every comfort zone I have.  All my defense mechanisms are eroding and collapsing out of the necessity of energy conservation. All my issues are springing forth anew.  All my dead are returning to life.

{Digital images manipulated in Photoshop}

2 comments:

Vincent said...

It can be a frightening artistic path to walk, not knowing how your works will turn out until they're completed. To combat this, I often don't plan what I'm going to do, just letting things shape themselves through me. The advantage to this is that I become part of my own audience, practically experiencing the finished artwork as though I didn't create it in the first place!

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it. I'd say anger is a very natural reaction to stress. Just be sure to continue to let it out. Don't want that junk building up inside you.

Jesse W. Campbell said...

Deeply engrained emotional issues are generally challenging for me. They change shape and tactic to avoid being rooted out. That has been my challenge with the Anger.

I discovered and understood this time around that the Anger is actually the symptom and not the cause. That is a major stepping stone for me. All this time, I've been trying to control the Anger, but never addressing what is actually causing it - The Fear.

The Anger has only ever been a defense mechanism. By changing every time I tried to target the Anger, this series of pieces showed me that the root source of the Anger was really the problem. Ah, the family tree of neuroses. I've been exhausting myself fighting Doombots all this time instead of taking the fight to Doctor Doom himself.

Next time I'll know the structure of the issue a little better. It may not keep me from getting angry, but at least I'll know where to take the fight instead of beating myself up over having extreme anger. :-)

There are a few more pieces from this series. I'll be very interested to see your thoughts on them. :-)