In Mid-November of 1998 I attempted suicide by swallowing a bottle of muscle relaxers. My life at the time felt completely out of my control and I felt myself sliding into darkness, but I felt powerless to stop it. I created the drawings in the suicide set just before my attempt. I don’t remember drawing these pieces. Looking at them now I realize that they are based on the four elements, but at the time I don’t recall intentionally directing them that way. I was drawing more out of emotional desperation than any kind of intent.
Panic addresses my inability to communicate. No matter how hard I tried, it seemed that my ability to verbalize my needs was stifled and choked. The air was running out and I think I knew on some deep level that I was running out of time. That the opportunity to fight back was quickly evaporating. I was sliding into the final darkness and felt I had no way to stop the descent. I felt completely powerless.
I really only understand any of this after analyzing in the years following. During the event I felt removed from myself. The month preceding my attempt, I felt like I was on auto pilot. A ghost robot of myself set for self destruct.
I would like to note on the side of safety and communication that today, despite the difficulty of my current set of life circumstances, that I do not in any way feel suicidal. It is simply that the time has come to share these pieces.