Suicide Set Part V: If Flesh Could Crawl

I’m including this piece in the suicide set even though technically it was not in the same format as the other pieces or even part of the set.  It was done just before the others...maybe two or three weeks.  I feel the need to include it because this type of thing doesn’t occur in a vacuum.  It was directly inspired by the song As Far From God from the first Garbage album.

I would like to note on the side of safety and communication that today, despite the difficulty of my current set of life circumstances, that I do not in any way feel suicidal.  It is simply that the time has come to share these pieces.

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UPDATE 010413:

This piece was Exhumed and reinvestigated with color in November 2013.  Check out the Exhumed image here.

Suicide Set Part IV: Hopelessness

After the violent parade of negative emotions had passed, after they had drained me of any motivation, thought, or energy, only hopelessness was left.  I was empty and lost.  There was no way out and no way onward.  There was no way.  It was in this darkness I attempted to take my own life.

I realize many things about my actions at that time now.  Things that I can only understand in hindsight.  At the time I was under the sway of powerful negative emotional patterns and I consider myself very lucky to have come through the experience alive.  My own feelings brought me to the edge of death.

The person I am today is nothing like the person who attempted to take his life. I can see now that I needed to come to this edge and look out at the ultimate destruction I was heading toward.  I needed to hold my life in my hands and understand that the choice of its continuance or destruction was mine and mine alone.  I needed this moment to know that I had some form of control, that my life was indeed my own.  This instant, this moment of choice, has informed all the decisions I have made in my life since that day.

I would like to note on the side of safety and communication that today, despite the difficulty of my current set of life circumstances, that I do not in any way feel suicidal.  It is simply that the time has come to share these pieces.

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Suicide Set Part III: Blame

Sister of guilt and father of shame, blame is the negative spotlight eye of God.  There is nowhere to hide.  Blame makes it impossible to move for fear of suffering and sorrow. Blame is the fire of torture now turned to self immolation.  The hand that burns me now is my own.  Blame is the self fulfilling prophecy of "it is all my fault." All of it. If it wasn't my fault before, after blame is finished, it will be.

I would like to note on the side of safety and communication that today, despite the difficulty of my current set of life circumstances, that I do not in any way feel suicidal.  It is simply that the time has come to share these pieces.

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Suicide Set Part II: Worry

I realized as I began this post that this week is the thirteenth anniversary of my suicide attempt.  A strange and macabre anniversary to be sure, but perhaps one of the most significant moments in my life history.  The person I am today is vastly different from the person who tried to take his life.  I still consider things deeply and intensely, but I do not worry as I once did.

Worry is about the weight of my thoughts at that time. Everything felt too heavy to move.  I felt buried or lost in a labyrinth of caves. Every feeling was a complicated net of issues that seemed impossible to unravel. I couldn't find a way out. Every new facet I discovered seemed only to lead me into greater complication and darkness. All my hope was overwhelmed by the burden of my feelings.

I would like to note on the side of safety and communication that today, despite the difficulty of my current set of life circumstances, that I do not in any way feel suicidal.  It is simply that the time has come to share these pieces.

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Suicide Set Part I: Panic

In Mid-November of 1998 I attempted suicide by swallowing a bottle of muscle relaxers.  My life at the time felt completely out of my control and I felt myself sliding into darkness, but I felt powerless to stop it. I created the drawings in the suicide set just before my attempt.  I don’t remember drawing these pieces.  Looking at them now I realize that they are based on the four elements, but at the time I don’t recall intentionally directing them that way.  I was drawing more out of emotional desperation than any kind of intent.

Panic addresses my inability to communicate.  No matter how hard I tried, it seemed that my ability to verbalize my needs was stifled and choked.  The air was running out and I think I knew on some deep level that I was running out of time.  That the opportunity to fight back was quickly evaporating.  I was sliding into the final darkness and felt I had no way to stop the descent.  I felt completely powerless.

I really only understand any of this after analyzing in the years following.  During the event I felt removed from myself.  The month preceding my attempt, I felt like I was on auto pilot.  A ghost robot of myself set for self destruct.

I would like to note on the side of safety and communication that today, despite the difficulty of my current set of life circumstances, that I do not in any way feel suicidal.  It is simply that the time has come to share these pieces.

{Sharpie}