Suicide Set Part II: Worry

I realized as I began this post that this week is the thirteenth anniversary of my suicide attempt.  A strange and macabre anniversary to be sure, but perhaps one of the most significant moments in my life history.  The person I am today is vastly different from the person who tried to take his life.  I still consider things deeply and intensely, but I do not worry as I once did.

Worry is about the weight of my thoughts at that time. Everything felt too heavy to move.  I felt buried or lost in a labyrinth of caves. Every feeling was a complicated net of issues that seemed impossible to unravel. I couldn't find a way out. Every new facet I discovered seemed only to lead me into greater complication and darkness. All my hope was overwhelmed by the burden of my feelings.

I would like to note on the side of safety and communication that today, despite the difficulty of my current set of life circumstances, that I do not in any way feel suicidal.  It is simply that the time has come to share these pieces.

{Sharpie}

Suicide Set Part I: Panic

In Mid-November of 1998 I attempted suicide by swallowing a bottle of muscle relaxers.  My life at the time felt completely out of my control and I felt myself sliding into darkness, but I felt powerless to stop it. I created the drawings in the suicide set just before my attempt.  I don’t remember drawing these pieces.  Looking at them now I realize that they are based on the four elements, but at the time I don’t recall intentionally directing them that way.  I was drawing more out of emotional desperation than any kind of intent.

Panic addresses my inability to communicate.  No matter how hard I tried, it seemed that my ability to verbalize my needs was stifled and choked.  The air was running out and I think I knew on some deep level that I was running out of time.  That the opportunity to fight back was quickly evaporating.  I was sliding into the final darkness and felt I had no way to stop the descent.  I felt completely powerless.

I really only understand any of this after analyzing in the years following.  During the event I felt removed from myself.  The month preceding my attempt, I felt like I was on auto pilot.  A ghost robot of myself set for self destruct.

I would like to note on the side of safety and communication that today, despite the difficulty of my current set of life circumstances, that I do not in any way feel suicidal.  It is simply that the time has come to share these pieces.

{Sharpie}

Some catching up to do...

Sorry for disappearing for a few weeks there.  I was finishing up my move and cleaning my old abode...aaaannnnd to top things off, because I didn't have nearly enough to do, I caught the flu this week.  OH JOY!   However, today my move is complete, my old abode is clean and fresh, and my flu is on the mend (although my ribs are very sore from coughing - ouchie).  Here's a little devil I concocted in penance.  Hope you like.

{Digital images manipulated in Photoshop}

From the Sketchbook Archives: Winged Cat Demon

Another from the sketchbooks.  Quick sketch of a cat demon thingie.  I figured they would still chase twitchy little rodents even if they had bat wings.  As you can see, I never decided on the tail.  Also, I think this might be a dark aspect of my personality when I get too dehydrated.

{Sharpie}


UPDATE:

Another update from the Rescans.  On this one, the scan was so much better than the photo I took, I didn't have to touch up the image at all.  On the first image, I had to adjust the brightness, contrast, and sharpness. Here you can see the molten deliciousness of the Sharpie where I filled in the blacks.  It looks almost exactly like the original image.  ...mmmmm Sharpie.  :-)

From the Sketchbook Archives: Night Thing

Silently, across the sea of night,
a sound like wind in the leaves.
I hold my breath and stand stock still
until it passes.
The chill of its presence
makes my breath a faint cloud.
I rush to the safety and warmth of interior light
and check all the bolts on my locks.
Outside, the tree limbs creak
at the touch of the wind.
"Perhaps," I think,
and light a candle for protection.

The Throne of the Mind

It gazes within and it gazes without,
It opens and swallows itself.
At the bottom of the ocean, at the bottom of the sea,

The nested flesh gestates.

Intelligence serves it,

Ignorance serves it,
War serves it,
Peace serves it,
Our every action
is the thumping tread of its gargantuan footsteps.
We are it mouths.
We are its eyes.
We are its thoughts.

Drum beats, heart beats,
blood pumps the light beneath skin and hair and sweat.
The dream of a thousand million years.
Knowledge is giving birth to itself.

Recommended Listening:

Phutureprimitive
Cryogenic Dreams
Kinetik


{Digital images manipulated in Photoshop}

Halloween is coming!

What with there being just a few days left until Halloween, I figure I'd better get on the ball with some posts concerning ye old creepy goodness holiday!!!  This way I can get my two cents in to participate in Vincent's OPG!!!  Drop on over and check his stuff out!

First off, though I missed my chance to be a part of it due the roller coaster I call my life, this years issue of HALLOWSCREAM will be released on Halloween for your screaming pleasure.  Please check out the scary goodness!  I'm hoping I will be able to participate next year.  Time will tell.  Be sure to check it out after Halloween!

The Totem

There is a drumming deep within me.

Firelight crackling and forest spirits twittering,
it calls out from the time before time.
It breathes a rhythm, a heartbeat,
an urging towards release,
and it will be born.
and it will be born.
and it will be born.
Like lightning,
it strikes backwards towards its desire.

recommended listening:
Sephiroth
Call of the Serpent
Draconian Poetry

{Digital images manipulated in Photoshop}

Reading from the Book of Night

In the twilight of the underworld,
The sun within waxes and wanes.
Days stacked like logs in the wood pile
kindle and burn on the mount of knowing.
Harlequin wall totem reads from the great book. 

The mother day sprays light to inoculate the reading
and fertilize the thoughts for growth.
Father predator spits darkness into her.
A deception that by her nature she converts into light.
His light within reads the necessity and
sees the voice and light needed for the reading.
Between them all, a darkness gestates
the darkness of absence, of emptiness,
of the void.
A darkness through which all things pass
to reach the light of the coming day.

In the desert of ignorance,
the scarab rolls its children into a sphere of darkness
tucking them safely into that fecund enclosure
knowing that at their birth,
they will eat their way to the light.

Recommended LIstening:
Subheim
Hollow
Approach

{Digital images manipulated in Photoshop}

Choosing Adult

As I move further into the depths of my personal shadow, it has become apparent that I require greater freedom of expression to explore the themes and subject matter that will allow me to convey my thoughts and feelings.  For this reason I have now designated my blog as an adult blog.

When I began pushing my blogs further, I knew that at some point I might reach this edge.  My goal isn't  to intentionally pursue adult themes for all my pieces. However, if I require the elements of adult themes, I want the freedom to be there.  I've skated that edge with many of my pieces, but now I have chosen to cross over to the other side.

I will be dealing with themes of violence, sex, aggression, hate, personal darkness, and all the other bits we cut away from ourselves and call "not me".  My goal is exploration and integration and sometimes on such journeys, there are images, thoughts, and feelings that challenge and confound.

If I offend anyone to the point that they no longer read my blog, I am sorry for the loss of communication, but not the offense.  Sometimes we need to be shaken to embrace new thoughts and ideas and growth.  I figure those who are interested or intrigued will come and sit by the fire with me and tell me a good scary story that I haven't heard before. Together in that shared firelight we can unburden our darknesses and make them a bit more bearable.

{Digital images manipulated in Photoshop}

The Fear

And finally after 3 months of back breaking Rage, from stage left comes the source of all my drama.  Raw skinned and trembling, paralyzed and wide-eyed, My fear takes focus.

I find that I can't be angry now.  There is no resentment and my rage fades like a retreating storm.  I feel sadness for this impoverished part of myself, this portion of me with skin so thin that even the movement of air is like knives.

When I was finished with this piece I found no righteous vindication but instead a strange compassion.  I had thought the resolution of the quest to find the source of my Anger would find a villain to be defeated, but instead I find a victim.  Already defeated, and in that defeat a circling whirlwind of misplaced energy.  A leprous pariah to be given succor, relief, and healing.

{Digital images manipulated in Photoshop}

It Lives in Flames

This makes me think of the giant pig at the end of Clive Barker's Pig Blood Blues.  Or perhaps the pig version of the Red Bull from The Last Unicorn.  There is a bit more than pig in there though - maybe some horse.  Perhaps we're just seeing pig from multiple points in time.  Schrodinger's Pig?  Regardless, I don't want to be trapped in any kind of enclosed space with it.  eep.  I'm afraid there would be some hard feelings for all that bacon I ate.

I apologize for all the comedy with such a fierce image, it's just that the clouds have parted here and I'm seeing the first sunlight I have in days and it is making me a little giddy.  :-P  I usually hate super sunny days, but we have had nothing but cloud cover for over a week.  :-(  So - Hooray Sunlight!

{Digital images manipulated in Photoshop}

General Marrow, Lord of Bones

Within the dream of the abattoir,
beneath hair and toenail and skin,
he digs beneath our fat and past the organs.
His business is with the bone core.

He is the lightning knight of epiphany,
the unyielding harbinger of revelation,
the barrier breaker of the adamant secret,
and the herald of truth too long denied.