Saturday, November 19, 2011

Suicide Set Part IV: Hopelessness

After the violent parade of negative emotions had passed, after they had drained me of any motivation, thought, or energy, only hopelessness was left.  I was empty and lost.  There was no way out and no way onward.  There was no way.  It was in this darkness I attempted to take my own life.

I realize many things about my actions at that time now.  Things that I can only understand in hindsight.  At the time I was under the sway of powerful negative emotional patterns and I consider myself very lucky to have come through the experience alive.  My own feelings brought me to the edge of death.

The person I am today is nothing like the person who attempted to take his life. I can see now that I needed to come to this edge and look out at the ultimate destruction I was heading toward.  I needed to hold my life in my hands and understand that the choice of its continuance or destruction was mine and mine alone.  I needed this moment to know that I had some form of control, that my life was indeed my own.  This instant, this moment of choice, has informed all the decisions I have made in my life since that day.

I would like to note on the side of safety and communication that today, despite the difficulty of my current set of life circumstances, that I do not in any way feel suicidal.  It is simply that the time has come to share these pieces.



Vincent said...

First, you sir are a magician with a Sharpie. Also, I caught up with this series today, viewing them in order, and I have to say the blank white box on Hopelessness is brutal. At first, I thought you didn't bother to finish it but then I realized, oh, there's nothing. Nothing at all.

Jesse W. Campbell said...

I think that this might be the most honest piece I've ever done in my life. Yes on the brutal. I vaguely remember trying to put a text element in the box, but it is strongest I think without. That is certainly how it felt.

There is a tiny bit of blur in this one. I had to photograph it like the sketchbook pieces and once I got it in the computer, had to tweak it in Photoshop a bit to get the contrast right.

Thank you for the compliment on the Sharpies. I need to get back to them. I haven't been drawing with them much lately, but who knows - new home - many things are possible.

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