After the violent parade of negative emotions had passed, after they had drained me of any motivation, thought, or energy, only hopelessness was left. I was empty and lost. There was no way out and no way onward. There was no way. It was in this darkness I attempted to take my own life.
I realize many things about my actions at that time now. Things that I can only understand in hindsight. At the time I was under the sway of powerful negative emotional patterns and I consider myself very lucky to have come through the experience alive. My own feelings brought me to the edge of death.
The person I am today is nothing like the person who attempted to take his life. I can see now that I needed to come to this edge and look out at the ultimate destruction I was heading toward. I needed to hold my life in my hands and understand that the choice of its continuance or destruction was mine and mine alone. I needed this moment to know that I had some form of control, that my life was indeed my own. This instant, this moment of choice, has informed all the decisions I have made in my life since that day.
I would like to note on the side of safety and communication that today, despite the difficulty of my current set of life circumstances, that I do not in any way feel suicidal. It is simply that the time has come to share these pieces.