New Abstract: Fires of the Forsaken

"In the distance, the clouds of their campfires could be seen, filling the air with oily black smoke.  They were burning everything they could find, just to stay warm, just to stay alive.  It seemed as though the whole world were on fire."

From the Sketchbook Archives: Hopeless

Another sketch from the Sarcoidosis / Prednisone period.  If I receall correctly, I think this was the last of that set of sketches.  This piece encompassed my feelings at that time.

I was lost in a miasma of grief, fear, sorrow, powerlessness and hopelessness.  My life was irrevocably changed and many avenues of action and choice were forever lost to me.  I am still recovering from the events of this time period.

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Disturbance at the Gate

Things never stay dead.

Just when you think you've buried all the corpses of your issues and marked all the tombstones, you turn to find gnarled decaying fingers breaking the soil.  Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier to let the bastards eat me instead of fighting them back into the dirt again and again.  After rebirth fifteen I really stop seeing the point.

Suicide Set Part IV: Hopelessness

After the violent parade of negative emotions had passed, after they had drained me of any motivation, thought, or energy, only hopelessness was left.  I was empty and lost.  There was no way out and no way onward.  There was no way.  It was in this darkness I attempted to take my own life.

I realize many things about my actions at that time now.  Things that I can only understand in hindsight.  At the time I was under the sway of powerful negative emotional patterns and I consider myself very lucky to have come through the experience alive.  My own feelings brought me to the edge of death.

The person I am today is nothing like the person who attempted to take his life. I can see now that I needed to come to this edge and look out at the ultimate destruction I was heading toward.  I needed to hold my life in my hands and understand that the choice of its continuance or destruction was mine and mine alone.  I needed this moment to know that I had some form of control, that my life was indeed my own.  This instant, this moment of choice, has informed all the decisions I have made in my life since that day.

I would like to note on the side of safety and communication that today, despite the difficulty of my current set of life circumstances, that I do not in any way feel suicidal.  It is simply that the time has come to share these pieces.

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